Dynamics

As you have probably noticed, this semester's dynamics weren't as solid as last semester's. It's more shaky in comparison and our visions aren't fitting together. Because straight from the beginning everybody wanted something different. Also, a middle ground was never reached. As a result our ideas weren't solid and even though it's fine now, the individual parts didn't quite match up. At present, I still don't know how well everything will fit together yet. At the moment it does feel like we're getting somewhere though.

This morning Maggie pointed out further group dynamic issues, specifically between me and Ben. The issue here is leadership. While Ben was away I had stepped, very clearly, into a leadership role. However, when he came back I've kind of backed down and become really quiet. When he came back he assumed the role of leader. This strain is also increased further more when I don't agree with his decisions. Especially with the writing, which I've mentioned previously.

The problem is we have two leaders in one group, and you can't have that in a group this big. Or in any group at all regardless of size. The difference between us is that we have different leadership styles, strengths and weaknesses.

He's better at articulating himself verbally, but his time management and planning isn't that great. He's a much better public speaker. He's able to clarify for the group what we want and what we're aiming to achieve. However, sometimes he makes the mistake of articulating opinions that are his, as the group's opinion.

I'm the opposite. I'm not good at public speaking at all. I can articulate myself very well in writing, but not verbally. So when I talk I can't talk clearly, because my mouth doesn't match up with what I'm thinking. If you get what I mean by this. But I'm good at planning and organising people. I'm good at managing people and defining what each person needs to get done in a timeframe.

So this leadership conflict is putting strain on the group and I think it's highly likely that it will show up in the resulting work. Or at least on my blogs. Because I'm not shy about writing what I really think on my blogs.

Now let's show a bit of that strain and tension. Ben did recordings of the narration and dialogue that I wrote. Yes, he took the bones of it, the order of what happens. But he stripped away and changed a lot of the stuff I wrote that gives the writing its character. If I was the one who changed and edited it then that's fine. I'd still be achieving my learning goal of writing. However, if it's someone else who changed it then did I really write then end product? Did I really achieve my goal. His reason for changing it was he thought something else would be "more interesting" and that certain things "didn't fit". Either that or it "doesn't roll off the tongue." Personally, if you think there's something wrong with it you tell ME. I'm the writer here, you tell me what you think and I'll change it if I agree that it's necessary. That way it wouldn't screw me over with trying to achieve my writing goal. I told him this and he told me to see it in another perspective. That him pointing out everything he thinks is wrong with the writing as helping me to achieve my learning goal. Oh yea? I think the contrary. You're just pointing out that you think I can't write dialogue. How am I learning if you don't give me a chance to improve/change the writing at all? If it's gonna be this way why bother having me write anything? Go write the whole damn thing yourself.

While we were discussing this and trying to resolve the leadership issue I admit I was really sour. And I know I've put a lot of negative feelings in my blogs this semester. You think I'm gonna sugarcoat that? You think I'm gonna be all rainbows and sunshine about it? NO! I'll say it like it is.

We did talk about the leadership issue and it's resolved for now. But with the writing? I still have the feeling that it's not going to go my way. If I don't at least pass because I didn't achieve these particular learning goals then fuck it.

With this experience this semester, it's undeniable that the group dynamics are crap. Ideas and opinions didn't coincide straight from the beginning. Clarification wasn't there and defined goals weren't there. In terms of the leadership conflict, I have a feeling that Edrian is afraid of agreeing fully with either side in fear of being caught between the two. I also question whether anyone sees me as a leader. Do people see you as a leader even if you aren't verbose? I don't know.

From this experience, I would rather work in a smaller, more manageable group. In a group of three, if there's a disagreement it gets solved quickly. In a solo project, there's no disagreement and you have total control over your vision. In this sense, next year for the year long project I would opt to solo the project. I would only accept a maximum of two people if there are suitable applicants to my brief. Now let's all cross our fingers and hope I'll be okay and pass this semester.


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Random observation here:

I get the impression that most people think they gotta sweep negative feelings and opinions under the carpet to get a decent grade. There's also this notion in the world that anything that hurts or is negative is some horrible bad thing that should be eliminated. And that strong feelings are bad unless they're the harmless, sweet kind.

In my opinion I disagree with all of the above. Having passion for your project might boost your grade, cos it means you've been working on it fervently. If you're having strong negative feelings about it, it's not necessarily bad. Yes, maybe it all turned to shit. But think about it this way. Isn't having strong negative feelings a kind of passion in and of itself? If you didn't care about something so much you wouldn't be this angry/sad/opinionated on the issue.

There's the simple fact that people can't be happy all the time. Being sad and getting hurt isn't wrong. You won't enjoy it, but if you're gonna block away and shun these feelings, I think you're denying the existence of a part of yourself.

About strong feelings, when you say you hate something a lot there's always going to be someone who says "Oh, So-and-so! Hate is such a strong word." Hate isn't just a word, it's a feeling. If that's how I feel then what's wrong with using the word? Because it's unpleasant and it doesn't smell of roses? If you can't use strong words like "hate" how can you use strong words like "love"? How can you love if you can't hate?

I think hate is a form of love to be honest. If there's someone you hate you think about them all the time. You wanna be there to make their lives hell. You would take revenge if you could. You hate them so much that you can picture their face etched on the inside of your eyelids. If you love someone you think about them often as well. You wanna make their lives worth living. You'd make sweet, sweet love to them if you get the opportunity. You love them so much you can see their radiant smile when you close your eyes. Love and hate; they're not the exactly same thing. Hate is kind of like caring about someone a lot, but in a bad way. The main difference is the end result.